Gadgets Galore

Today I discovered coffee grounds are the best smelling thing in the world. I could sit there for at least 4 minutes sniffing coffee grounds. A life goal of mine is to sniff coffee grounds in the morning. Okay this is simple because I don't live in Africa and I don't have a Dunkin Donuts (to make me coffee) in my kitchen right? Wrong. I'm so forgetful in early mornings I wouldn't remember to wake up and smell the coffee grounds, even though I desperately want to. Pathetic, I agree. Almost as pathetic as how enamored I am by the fact that my teams placed 2, 5, 28, and 67 on a useless ESPN list.

To Do List-

-Wear Giant Clock around neck like Flava Flave.. Make sure it's made of pure platinum to break my spine while wearing it.

-Go around Disney taking suggestive pictures with all the characters. Snow White, if you know what I mean.

-Talk like this dog for a day.

-Wear this to realllllly confuse people.

-My next house is going to be a pad. A mother fucking Man Pad. Okay, that sounds like I'm a man with menopause, so Man Cave.

There will be many useless gadgets in my house, causing me to look like a 22 year old Microsoft worker who's acne still has not cleared up.. and will be broke because of said gadgets. With the help of this website, I will present you the noteworthy gadgets, even if some might not be in my house, someday.

Time Management Skills: First, unnecessarily large retro 80s clock. This is one of the sad gadgets I could never have in my house.. As it is cool.. I simple would have no where to put it. As much as I love pretending we're in the "era of bad music" (Yeah, I'm still talking about the 80s, hate on it)... It simple wouldn't work in my house, unless I hit the lottery and made one room in my house entirely devoted to this clock... which is something I would do.


Black lung: Really the next invention, is one of many I could've and probably should've invented already. I'm not smoker, but this is all too convenient. A (very) portable ash tray, pretty much.


What's in the fridge?: The next item is a must have in all "leftovers tonight" families (now I feel like one of those channels filled entirely with shopping and infomercials). It is, well, more or less a label that helps you figure out how old food is in your fridge, this way it doesn't go bad, etc. Here it is. Stylish, too! I could see myself buying these, but really, it doesn't matter all that much to me. If I think food is bad, I'm not chancing it. I have nicknamed food poisoning the worst 24 hours in my life, and I'm not going back.


Fatass Warcraft Nerds, Your time is here!: This item reallllly appeals to me. Not because I'm too lazy to get up to eat, but because I really hate when people have food in their keyboards. As careful as I am, I cannot say I haven't used compressed air to get a good ole' crumb out of the ole' typer. A tray, on top of your keyboard. This is something I can definitely see in my house, but only with a desktop obviously.


Funerals too risky for a "dead" joke?: Here you go. Drop dead, right in your living room! This would go in my retro clock room, for the record.


For you Hobos reading: One cloth item, portable washing machine. I can see this being good if I stained a valuable pair of pants and need to get it out, but other than that, I can afford a real washing machine and am old enough to handle my own laundry. Unless I won the lottery. Then it's the maids job.


For my own nerdism: This one WILL be mine. A wireless satellite using 5.1 Digital Surround sound system. Oh hell yes. For my sports, gaming, and personal home theater ORGASM.

For those who liked the original gaming floor chair, go die: This beast would be even cooler if not only for the iPod, but adapters make it so. It's nicer, shinier, and sexier than the other chair I would totally use strictly for gaming. Win. Only 299$.

For the fattest fuck reading this: A voice controlled TV remote. Fuck you America. And no, this isn't for me.


For you bastards that don't have a Zune: A belt buckle that your iPod attaches to. Very cool if you don't have pockets. But honestly, if you don't have pockets, why would you have a belt loop?


For the drunks: A device to help you safely, or more safely open your beer to shotgun it. Can't really justify this one unless you're in college, or need to grow up.


For me: One thing I hate is cold coffee, unless it's Ice Coffee and it's full of 10 pounds of sugar, and everything else that makes it tolerable. So a device to warm your coffee, and keep it warm has been invented.. for the computer age! If I have 10 bucks to waste, and it's actually 10 bucks, I might buy the USB coffee heater.


Probaby the best gadget featured: This. A place to keep your cords hidden, and a place to put your charging devices, instead of awkwardly on your desk or table. My cell phone right now is on top of my desk with a soft cloth covering the bottom and top.. Awkward.... That one will actually be in my house, my current one! For only 100 bucks, what I eventually need is a cord hider.


Something god himself made: Okay talking caller ID? You win world. Too often am I sleeping at 4PM, and hear the phone ring.. only to be my Mom or somebody else I clearly have no desire to talk to! Next time I won't have to even get up and look. It also features a calculator, calendar, alarm clock, and LCD touch screen. Yes, this is mine.


What I think is the last device I want: Think about it. Think about how much space is saved (if you have a desktop). This thing is amazing(ly cool!). Yeah, sorry. But that's fucking awesome, even visible in broad daylight, other than resting your hands on the keyboard, that is perfect.


For those who cheat, like me: Remote control golf ball, need I say more?


For you parents that don't love their kid: Something else I should've invented, an auto crib rocker, for your loud annoying baby.


For Mr. Armless, over there!: A handsfree umbrella, don't ask how, just accept it!


A toilet seat that will pleasure you: Cheaper than hookers in the long run, you might want this you sick fucks.


I hope you have the time of your life,

Matt "Waiting for the pizza guy" Stephen