Everyday Antics and Complaints

Gadgets Galore

2009-07-30T22:03:00.001-04:00

Today I discovered coffee grounds are the best smelling thing in the world. I could sit there for at least 4 minutes sniffing coffee grounds. A life goal of mine is to sniff coffee grounds in the morning. Okay this is simple because I don't live in Africa and I don't have a Dunkin Donuts (to make me coffee) in my kitchen right? Wrong. I'm so forgetful in early mornings I wouldn't remember to wake up and smell the coffee grounds, even though I desperately want to. Pathetic, I agree. Almost as pathetic as how enamored I am by the fact that my teams placed 2, 5, 28, and 67 on a useless ESPN list.

To Do List-

-Wear Giant Clock around neck like Flava Flave.. Make sure it's made of pure platinum to break my spine while wearing it.

-Go around Disney taking suggestive pictures with all the characters. Snow White, if you know what I mean.

-Talk like this dog for a day.

-Wear this to realllllly confuse people.

-My next house is going to be a pad. A mother fucking Man Pad. Okay, that sounds like I'm a man with menopause, so Man Cave.

There will be many useless gadgets in my house, causing me to look like a 22 year old Microsoft worker who's acne still has not cleared up.. and will be broke because of said gadgets. With the help of this website, I will present you the noteworthy gadgets, even if some might not be in my house, someday.

Time Management Skills: First, unnecessarily large retro 80s clock. This is one of the sad gadgets I could never have in my house.. As it is cool.. I simple would have no where to put it. As much as I love pretending we're in the "era of bad music" (Yeah, I'm still talking about the 80s, hate on it)... It simple wouldn't work in my house, unless I hit the lottery and made one room in my house entirely devoted to this clock... which is something I would do.

Black lung: Really the next invention, is one of many I could've and probably should've invented already. I'm not smoker, but this is all too convenient. A (very) portable ash tray, pretty much.

What's in the fridge?: The next item is a must have in all "leftovers tonight" families (now I feel like one of those channels filled entirely with shopping and infomercials). It is, well, more or less a label that helps you figure out how old food is in your fridge, this way it doesn't go bad, etc. Here it is. Stylish, too! I could see myself buying these, but really, it doesn't matter all that much to me. If I think food is bad, I'm not chancing it. I have nicknamed food poisoning the worst 24 hours in my life, and I'm not going back.

Fatass Warcraft Nerds, Your time is here!: This item reallllly appeals to me. Not because I'm too lazy to get up to eat, but because I really hate when people have food in their keyboards. As careful as I am, I cannot say I haven't used compressed air to get a good ole' crumb out of the ole' typer. A tray, on top of your keyboard. This is something I can definitely see in my house, but only with a desktop obviously.

Funerals too risky for a "dead" joke?: Here you go. Drop dead, right in your living room! This would go in my retro clock room, for the record.

For you Hobos reading: One cloth item, portable washing machine. I can see this being good if I stained a valuable pair of pants and need to get it out, but other than that, I can afford a real washing machine and am old enough to handle my own laundry. Unless I won the lottery. Then it's the maids job.

For my own nerdism: This one WILL be mine. A wireless satellite using 5.1 Digital Surround sound system. Oh hell yes. For my sports, gaming, and personal home theater ORGASM.

For those who liked the original gaming floor chair, go die: This beast would be even cooler if not only for the iPod, but adapters make it so. It's nicer, shinier, and sexier than the other chair I would totally use strictly for gaming. Win. Only 299$.

For the fattest fuck reading this: A voice controlled TV remote. Fuck you America. And no, this isn't for me.

For you bastards that don't have a Zune: A belt buckle that your iPod attaches to. Very cool if you don't have pockets. But honestly, if you don't have pockets, why would you have a belt loop?

For the drunks: A device to help you safely, or more safely open your beer to shotgun it. Can't really justify this one unless you're in college, or need to grow up.

For me: One thing I hate is cold coffee, unless it's Ice Coffee and it's full of 10 pounds of sugar, and everything else that makes it tolerable. So a device to warm your coffee, and keep it warm has been invented.. for the computer age! If I have 10 bucks to waste, and it's actually 10 bucks, I might buy the USB coffee heater.

Probaby the best gadget featured: This. A place to keep your cords hidden, and a place to put your charging devices, instead of awkwardly on your desk or table. My cell phone right now is on top of my desk with a soft cloth covering the bottom and top.. Awkward.... That one will actually be in my house, my current one! For only 100 bucks, what I eventually need is a cord hider.

Something god himself made: Okay talking caller ID? You win world. Too often am I sleeping at 4PM, and hear the phone ring.. only to be my Mom or somebody else I clearly have no desire to talk to! Next time I won't have to even get up and look. It also features a calculator, calendar, alarm clock, and LCD touch screen. Yes, this is mine.

What I think is the last device I want: Think about it. Think about how much space is saved (if you have a desktop). This thing is amazing(ly cool!). Yeah, sorry. But that's fucking awesome, even visible in broad daylight, other than resting your hands on the keyboard, that is perfect.

For those who cheat, like me: Remote control golf ball, need I say more?

For you parents that don't love their kid: Something else I should've invented, an auto crib rocker, for your loud annoying baby.

For Mr. Armless, over there!: A handsfree umbrella, don't ask how, just accept it!

A toilet seat that will pleasure you: Cheaper than hookers in the long run, you might want this you sick fucks.

I hope you have the time of your life,

Matt "Waiting for the pizza guy" Stephen

Three Dimensional, like your mom

2009-06-29T00:00:00.000-04:00

So there I was... Seeing Up. I was quite disgusted at how people were acting, because the movie was in 3D and apparently this was a big fucking deal to them. Obviously the risk of going to a kids movie is... well.. dealing with kids. Don't get me wrong, I love kids.* The thing about kids though, if they're not mine, or a best friends, I want nothing to do with those fuckers. I hate my own bloods children, to give you an example. "You want to hold Edwin?" In reality, I must say yes, and not purposely drop him. In my mind however, I am thinking, fuck no, get your nasty mongrel off of me before I throw him like that scene in Austin Powers 3 with Mini Me being tossed about. I am great with kids when I want to be. Thing is, I have to want to be. When I'm not, I'm ready to beat their 4 year old little asses into brake dust. So I'm there trying to enjoy this movie for what it is, and of course, along with children comes annoying adults, and food. Of course with food comes chewing, and of course with annoying adults, comes loud annoying chewing and discussing of the food and movie while it goes on. So I was a little less enamored by the movie than I might of been, had I been watching it alone, but it's whatever.

Anyways though, the movie is in 3D and people are freaking the fuck out as if the rest of the crowds head exploded. This reminded me of how people react to firework shows (ironic cause it's almost the 4th of July huh?), and how pissed off it makes me for no reason. Although I seem like a very angry person on my blogs, I am a quiet, calm, soft spoken person with a perfect personality, body type, and self image... but when people start "OOOHHHHing and AHHHHHing" about fireworks, I want to kick some heads in. I mean how long have they been around now? 4000, maybe 5000 years ago? It makes me want to walk around looking at people with cell phones, and making a scene about it.
Me- "HOLY SHIT IS THAT AN ACTUAL... CELL.... CELL PHONE!!???!!"
Them- "??... You're joking, right?"
Me "NO WAY CAN I TOUCH IT??!?!?!? HOLY FUCK THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!"
This same thing happens with 3D movies, as you can imagine.
Character 1- "HOLY SHIT DID THEY JUST USE DEPTH PERCEPTION??!?! WHAT THE FUCK?"
Character 2- "Dude 3D has been around for like 30 years."
Character 1- "3D HOLY SHIT!"
Character 2- "..." *Looks away*
Character 1- "THREE FUCKING DEE MAN!" "!!!"

Quite frust-rat-eng as an English person would say.

In other news, I was just called a "picky ass" (which is disgusting) so I'd say its time to wrap up this entry. Billy Mays died. There goes like half of my jokes without having to say "too soon" afterwords.

100 on a rural road,

Matt "soon to crash tenacious C" Stephen

Revelations from a Crazy Motha Fucka

2009-06-25T20:37:00.001-04:00

Michael Jackson dead at age 50, Farrah Fawcett dead at 63. How lucky can we get?? Two celebs on one day?!? Mmm, half kidding. MJ could dance, and I never had a problem with him. I have no compassion, and hate celebrities however. But yeah, what a great day! Lately I've been looking like this, and it's honestly one of those moments where you're just not happy, as you can tell from my Twitter updates on the bottom of this page. I was watching some Comedy Central Presents the other night, and saw some comic who had an act some what funny, but not nearly funny enough to remember his name... and he had a great quote. I'll get to that quote in a minute, but first, doesn't that bother you? A comic who isn't funny? It's his damn job. Like one of those people who well, just sucks at their job. Often times it's the slow cashier, or retard taking your fast food order. Nothing is much more annoying than having to repeat your order 14 times only to have the food still screwed up as you receive it. This happened to me today, at McDonalds. Rarely do I ever go get fast food, but when I do .. things like this happen.

2:09- I clearly order TWO Chicken Select Meals at the speaker box thing.
2:09- I piss off the lady taking my money by handing her a 50.
2:11- As I roll up to the 2nd window in tenacious C I was given ONE chicken select meal, and I ask the new lady (we'll call her Judy) for the second one. I was indeed, not charged for it.
2:12- I ask the bitch to give me the second chicken select.
2:12- Judy makes me pay for it as if McDonalds is a Mom and Pop shop, and they will miss the money and go to Chapter 11.

I'm not cheap, but when I clearly order some food, I want it. SO back to the comic that you forgot about, he said a quote something along the lines of...
"Ever get to the point in your life where you've met enough people..?"
Yeah, and I've been there for quite some time. Sad considering I haven't even met that many people, but damn, that is soooo true. I think it's because of how many people are similar to others. You know you have too many of something when you say "Doesn't he look like so and so?"

I come to realize these things when having calls with tech support. I call up tech support to see why my internet is out... And I talk to stereotype 1 of 3 on tech calls. Below are the listed stereotypes-

Stereotype 1- John. John is a tough guy. He sounds like a 45 year old man with a wife and several cats at home. He's usually got a deep voice, and he's not the one you want to talk to. He'll help, but chances are he'll transfer you 100 times before anything happens.

Stereotype 2- Confused Indian Woman. Sometimes this is interchanged with confused black woman, but that's a rare treat. Confused Indian Woman is your most typical of these tech support workers, seemingly cloned. Her name is usually long and starts with an "S", but that doesn't really matter, cause if you're me you don't care enough to remember it anyway. I do, after all, get tired of being called "Mister Matt."

Stereotype 3- Chill version of John, younger. You picture him in some nice green polo, khaki shorts, and flip flops. The type of person you talk to on Apple Customer Support, the chill, weed smoker, who unlike Judy the McDonalds worker, will just send you a new product rather than harrass you about service charges for your broken product.

The sad part is, if' you've ever made a tech call, you know all three of these personalities well.

Many reasons I hate people, as you can tell... BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Have you ever noticed when people are telling stories about themselves and others, often times one character receives a deep, manly voice? Usually this is the "dick of the tale", and is always portrayed with a booming man cannon set of vocal chords. Sadly for this "dick of the tale", it is usually a female, sometimes an elderly female. I just noticed this, along with the notion of making the character sound stupid or have a speech impediment. It gives you an automatic bias against this person, even if you don't know them.

In other news, Twitter expert, Shaq has joined the Cleveland Cavaliers. They gave up virtually nothing for him, so I applaud the addition. Also: Most CNN anchors have odd shaped heads.

Just picture me looking like this guy for now on,

Matt "Loves tenacious C" Stephen

To learn to think is to learn to question

2009-06-16T15:21:00.000-04:00

To learn to think is to learn to question. In our alone time, we all think about the small things in life, the big things in life, and sometimes things not even about our lives, but all of our lives. The one question that always looms is how did we get here? And as the one part of life that will never be answered, it will always be questioned. Born into a Catholic family I was directed to believe it was the hand of God that brought the world to be. As I grew older, I did start to stray away from that general concept. The more I challenged this theory, the less I believed it to be true. As it so happened, I was nearly disowned for doing such. What it has led me to really question, is the thought of organized religion as a whole.

As many know and your high school history teachers will tell you, religion has been the cause of almost every major war. Almost all of them. Something meant to save us and explain humanity, has nearly ended it. Blood shed, families separated, lives ruined. All by the thing meant to give us salvation. Personally, religion doesn't bother me. The thing that does is when people get into arguments about something so impossible to agree on. After all, the bible does say it "goes by interpretation". An awful foolish thing to argue about, isn't it? Religion should be used as what it was originally created for. An explanation to why we're here, something to hang on to when the going gets tough. On those days that the garbage pickup company is on strike, those days that you woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Religion has become social brainwashing. If you aren't part of a certain religion, it almost becomes like a fraternity. You will be mocked, hated, and disregarded if you don't agree with everyone on their personal beliefs. When the word "brainwashing" was mentioned, you probably laughed. Fact is, religion is brainwashing. To associate "being a good person" to a pleasureful eternity. To associate "being a bad person" to a literally hellish eternity. These simple facts are put in our head and torture us every day, just in case we do something wrong. The message in most religions is clear, conform, or suffer. One probably didn't consider this a method of brainwashing before, but might reconsider, now. People have been pushed aside and forgotten because of religion. The best example might be gay people. Some have been rejected in their own families because of a silly blockade known as religion. This to me, is absolutely ludicrous. To prevent what might be ones happiness because of what one "interprets a book to say" doesn't make sense. If God does exist, I sincerely doubt he would agree with this idea anyway.

Religion holds a place in humanity that cannot be replaced until science says otherwise. As of right now, it is what people cling to, people like the soldiers over seas, people that are living on the streets hoping for one more chance to do things right, people just like you and I. Religion came into place immediately after the humans did. People want to know why, and sometimes if they can't find the answers, they go to places they wouldn't other wise. Scientifically religion might not be perfect, but it does its job. Religion also does jobs it shouldn't. Jobs like impartial treatment. Jobs like ignorant hate, and jobs like the destruction of the World Trade Centers. Among the most criticized religions is Islam, and it is for their mass genocide and resent of the world. The main problem with religion, their book to be "interpreted" has mass contradiction, and many confusing verses. Not to place all blame on the Qur'an, but it certainly doesn't help what is considered the most violent religion tame it's excessive cruelty. Religion has overstepped its boundaries, and its purpose.

Racial inequality, impartial treatment of homosexuals, a lot of it can be put on the shoulders of religion. Fact of the matter is, some people need religion to lean on during those rainy days. Of course, is it necessary for them to spew hate and ridicule the world as a "God given right", as well? Society should say no. Wars, hate crimes, further blood shed can be prevented with a small step of being a little less prideful about religion. Signs of protest, "God hates Gays" "Behead all that mock Islam"- the hate, poor treatment, and all other ironically ignorant markings of religion... it all needs to end, right here, right now. To learn to think is to learn to question, I question religions place in society.

- Matt Stephen

Discursive Persuasions

2009-06-02T18:30:00.000-04:00

So the question came to me the other day.. What movies would be fun to watch while stoned? Most anything that didn't require thought was the answer. Simplicity=awesome. But it then came to me.. What if you were to watch a stoner comedy while stoned? Pineapple express or such? I think the world could possibly explode. I had no intention to make you laugh there, more so wonder. I mean shit, you could go Super Saiyan. As always I've had deeper thoughts than my regular "oh let's try this weak joke to get a laugh". Of course until now, I've never thought of asking the question to an audience who will fear my actual brain exploding from these thoughts. So I present to you something random that came to me the other day.

It's always been interesting to me how public schools go until you turn 18- the year you're actually ready to test the real world on your own. The want evolves from the last 3-4 years of a sudden rebellious desire and hate for the world. It's funny how we come up with this system that is nearly perfect- yet so so flawed. So much corruption, greed, and all else to ruin it. Human nature stands in the way of Communism, which is the ideal way of life if people were perfect. Seriously. It would work without greed, want, or jealousy. Like a movie plot, really. This is why I rely on life to make me laugh. Simple things often make my day. Welcome to Urban Dictionary. Secret Window. Scuttlebug. Pink Sock. The Alaskan Pipeline. The Eiffel Tower. Headdesk. You're welcome.

Big money, big money, no whammy, no whammy, stop,

Matt "A Pimp Named Slickback" Stephen

E3 Part Two: Nintendo Sony and Conclusion

2009-06-02T18:25:00.004-04:00

Just got through with the Nintendo Conference. Wow, that was utterly pathetic. You can throw Mario in my face only so many times. I'm glad he's a classic character, but one new game, with the same basic idea that he's had for 20 years doesn't impress me. They tossed that in your face for about the first hour and a half. Yay, a new Mario game. They used the DS for just about the rest of it. Over all, a new Wii controller that has "better motion sensing, and a whole new idea to it" (Wii-Mote Advanced), and a new Mario game. The DS I don't give two shits about, so we'll move on.

Metroid: Other M- looks okay, but not worth dusting off my Wii for.

The PS3 came out swinging with the new Uncharted Game. Not my cup of tea, but it looks like Gears with non super soldiers. Pretty okay.

God of War 3- Makes me want a PS3. Badass idea.. reminds me a lot of Ninja Gaiden with the way the first level played out, but these games are badass.

Assassins Creed 2- Dual Hidden Blades. Yum. Batman kite thing. Yum. It came out firing, a game I already loved with added realism (minus the Da Vinci plot twist). Now guards search hay stacks if they see you land in one, you can also steal and disarm your opponents weapons from them, and it's a real treat. We are no longer playing with Altair, and this guy, Ezio (the new Altair) is an assassin before a warrior. He also has a red shaw looking thing on, nice touch. Smoke bombs are added, along with the ability to escape through the water. I expect that will be very useful in Renaissance Italy. E looks cool, and he's packin with the dual blades. Expect me to buy when it releases "Holiday 09".

The Old Republic- I've been a sucker for Star Wars since age 7, this could be a buy. Hopefully you can join the darkside.. cause honestly.. fuck the Republic.

Spliting you in half like Mortal Fucking Kombat,

Matt "Failroad" Stephen

Microsoft E3 Nerdage

2009-06-01T23:06:00.003-04:00

I'm writing this mainly so I don't forget what games I want to buy, and what games were presented, but here it goes anyway. Not having the ability to watch E3 live, I had to DVR it and watch it as I got home. A lot of good stuff presented by Microsoft, and a little bit of disappointment regarding the Zune. More or less- If you're not interested in touching my inner nerd (hehe) stop now.

Left 4 Dead 2: Nice nice.. Dead Rising mixed with L4D 1. Note to self- avoid Dead Rising 2, L4D2 is coming out.

Splinter Cell: Sam Fisher goes ape shit over his daughters death- Looks cool, a lot of violence and really extreme tone compared to anything we've seen from Clancy games before. But will I really want to buy this knowing I can hardly beat the first level of a Clancy game?

Forza 3- Very cool, and I'm sure Scions will be in the game (and I'd fucking love to tune one).. but I don't think I can spend money on a game I'll suck at. (For those who have played with me, okay, suck worse than usual). Need For Speed remains my calling card for vehicle games.

Crackdown 2: The story of bad movies. The first one sucked, let's make more!

Alan Wake: After waiting since the arcade days to get this beast, I might finally have interest. Some foreign guys with funny accents presented it, so I was pleased. Overall it looked kind of creepy. It was like Resident Evil with Ghost things. Deep looking plot too, I'll look into it.

Halo: The Fall of Reach- I think the games just called Halo Reach, but lets be real here, this is goddamned Halo, and I base it off the book that I read, because I'm that much of a nerd. Just win for this and
Halo ODST.. Halo will probably always be my favorite franchise, despite the bullshit magic on XBL and it being a weapons game. Certainly something I'm interested in cherishing forever, like grandads old baseball cards. Even though my grandpa never collect baseball cards.

Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2: You're just well.. I don't even know if you're not looking forward to this. Along with ODST and Prototype, this is one of my more anticipated games of the year.

Metal Gear Solid- Coming to the 360, that's pretty neat, considering I was close to saving up for a PS3. In your ass, Sony.

Media Upgrades- Lastfm on Xbox Live, for free. Sounds cool, although this is where my major disappointment came in. I really wanted to see the Zune become Xbox integrated and this was a good time to do it. My Zune library has 6002 songs on it- for 27.7 gigs of space. I really would've liked to play it in a non confusing, normal way. Oh well. Zune is being integrated with the 360 for video, although I'm not sure why. Next, Live TV is going to be available for all gold members, including wild shit I won't watch, like Cricket. All in HD 1080P. You will now be able to access your Facebook and Twitter from the 360. Not quite the total Online access the Wii has, but it's still cool. Atleast they didn't give us Myspace and Twitter. *shudder*

Lastly.. No controller gaming. The Wii just got a facial, and then some. Just wow, I can't believe it still, but I guess I will when it comes out in 2046. You might look like a total retard doing it, but damn, I wants at it.

I was disappointed to not see Assassins Creed 2, but it's not a 360 exclusive, so I guess thats acceptable. My game list just grew though, and that's disappointing. Now my buys include Prototype, Red Dead Redemption, Halo Wars, Halo ODST, Halo Reach, Modern Warfare 2, Alan Wake, Assassins Creed 2, and L4D2. Also, I see myself purchasing Wolverine, Red Faction, Fear 2, Street Fighter 4, Battlefield Bad Company, Borderlands, Army of 2:2, and others. Failroad, I know. Perhaps the 3 sports posts made me think this was morally right- an entire nerd post.. but whatever, it is what it is.

Spliting you in half like Mortal Fucking Kombat,

Matt "Failroad" Stephen

Time Journal- Serious this time

2009-05-26T21:21:00.006-04:00

9:13- Cavs up 4 at the end of the first.

9:16- Orlando not only had tied the lead, but taken it with roughly 21 3 point shots made.

9:18- Touch foul on Mo Williams for a 3 point play. Really NBA refs?

9:19- The Hangover looks hilarious.

9:21- 'Bron re-enters the game.

9:21- 'Bron scores.

9:24- Wally frickin Sczerbiak with a ridiculous layup. Of course he misses the and 1.

9:25- LeBron for 3, the rims are definitely wired. No way does a shot go 90% in and come out.

9:40- Cavs are on a huge run, and a dumbass bench player ruins their rhythm. Fouling a 3 point shooter, hard. Really Boobie?

9:41- BOOBIE GIBSON MAKES UP FOR IT! 3 ME BITCH!

9:45- BOOBIE FOR 3! FUCK YOU ORLANDO! Halftime.

10:22- Z gets cracked in the mouth by Dwight The Elbow Flagrant Howard, no call, of course.

10:23- LeBron gets bowled over on defense. Blocking foul. HAHAHAHAH. Yes haters, he gets allll the calls.

10:50- Collapse.

11:01- Cavs went from down 6, to down 3. Big play by wild hair Varejao. Our own Birdman.

11:03- About ready to tear my intestines out, because the pain will probably be lessened.

11:08- LeBron misses 1/2 at the line. Cavs 98-97.

11:14- Dwight Howard moving screen, Lewis catch, shoot, luck, Magic by 2.

11:18- LeBron goes the hole, gets fouled, and makes both free throws to tie with .5 seconds left.

11:21- Howard fouls Varejao, not called.

11:21- OT.

11:37- LeBron fouled from 3, nothing.

11:47- LeBron for the win... Off side iron, almost.

11:50- A lot of work, but it's possible.

Matt "really really really really sad and tired of vitamin water hype commercials" Stephen

Time Journal, Attempt 1

2009-05-23T01:03:00.004-04:00

The Cleveland Cavaliers just gave me heart failure. They also gave me a moment I will never forget. First the video, then my (estimated) Time Journal write up.

Skip Bayless Twitter, 1 PM- "i feel sorry for lebron. everyone has crowned him prematurely and he can't live up to it. no clutch gene."

7:45 PM- Heart throbbing, although not really worried, I'm waiting for the Cavs game. After all, it's a must win, and we have the most clutch player in basketball.

7:49- Holy shit is it game time yet?

7:51- Considering turning on pregame.

7:56- Holy shit is it game time yet?

8:33- Game tips off, Cavs win tip for the second time in a row.

8:52- Cavs lead 15-5, I'm smiling like a .. well.. like this.

9:40- The Cavs scoring run has ceased, they're back to what they did Wednesday night- totally collapsing.

9:42- 100th Leverage series preview

10:01- I decide I'm ready for a Dunkin' Donuts run at halftime...

10:28- Returning from DD with a Yuppy Cappuccino and 12 iced donuts, most of which are chocolate frosting, because you know I rub that Chocolate rain all over my chest.

10:45- Everyone else in my house has went to bed, pissed at the Deja-Vu they are experiencing as the Cavs blow another lead against the fucking Magic.

10:52- I start my classic chew the skin off my fingers routine- it's already pretty ugly from Wednesday night, I fear for my hand model-esque figure.

10:53- Most of the skin is gone, and it's been one fucking minute. Oh by the way, we're only at the end of the third quarter.

11:07- The Cavs have pushed the lead to 9.

11:07:53- The Magic are on a 9-0 run.

11:11- I receive two texts from people watching the game too. I feel popular.

11:14- I finish my third donut, and I'm more pumped on "negative passion energy" than Cappuccino.

11:16- Mo Williams FOR THREE!!!!

11:17- I'm now biting the muscle and ligaments off of my fingers.

11:24- Hedo Turgaloualoualoua for Three

11:24:01- I shit myself.. because well.. again, really?

11:25- Well now that they tied the game, I'm about to get heart failure.

11:26- LeBron runs down the lane, takes about 9 steps and scores. I celebrate the And 1 call the crowd think he gets.

11:27- It is called a travel, nevermind. I argue this travel in my mind for the next 4 minutes, considering if it was Jordan it wouldn't have been called.

11:29- Hedo Turkalouwhahowanoiqna makes the "game winner" from 12 feet out, sinking it right over Sasha Pavlovic. There is one second left, and I am going to explode inside.

11:29- I receive a text from an asshole telling me "Cavs lost" I get pissed.

11:30:32- Camera angles of a city that's seen so much sports pain, fans unwilling to leave, to give up in their beloved Cavs even though the game is "decided". They are hurting, as they have been for 45 long championship-less years.

11:30:33- I start to resemble those in a fantastic crowd. Head hanging low, I had no expectancy for this outcome.

11:32:46- I have chewed my hands down to stubs.

11:33- Mo Williams fakes the inbound to Pavlovic, LeBron acts like he's sitting the play out, then rushes out beyond the three point arc and shoots for 3. "James for the wiiiNNNNN!! YES HE GOT IT!"

11:33- Game winner is made.

11:33:02- I receive two more texts, "Wow that was beast." and "Cavs won" from that asshole. I appreciate both of these, because option two is going to have a hellish life for being an asshole.

11:33:03- I run around the house not knowing what just happened, screaming as loudly as I can. I am semi crouched (as pictured to the right) and not really sure if what I saw was real, or just what I wanted to happen. I could be in an asylum right now, I'm not quite sure. It is almost as if I have my body, and the mind of a dog, running, not really knowing "what the fuck." and screaming for no reason. I imagine a dog would scream if it just gained the ability to talk, so pretty darn good reference huh?

11:40- I finally regain the ability to sit down.

11:42 PM- I explain in great detail, the history of Cleveland, since the Colonial days to a good pal of mine who pretended to listen. I explained the sad sports history, and the savior.

-----

1:03 AM- I write this blog because I won't be sleeping for the next 6 days.

Not going to get off this adrenaline rush for roughly 14 hours,

Matt "Holy shit did you see 'Bron's game winner" Stephen

Cruise Control

2009-05-18T16:21:00.002-04:00

Dear Diary, I know it's been a while since I've written, but I'm back after a delay. A delay longer than it takes a prison tat to get infected. Regardless, I have been slowed by my search for a new device to create vehicular manslaughter with. I know you're all excited for me, getting my Scion tC and all, but it's okay, really. I just need a cool nickname for it, preferably a sexual one, such as "Titty Coupe" or "Tit Car" or "Tits and Nips Cruiser". So anyway, in the mean time- I was thinking about food and thought maybe I'd be able to get rich off of a product idea. Bacon on pizza, simple and unheard of right? Wrong. I discovered you can get bacon on pizza already. What the fuck took them so long- or me so long to discover this? People getting fucking sausage when they know bacon is available? What are they fucking retarded?

Also, I owe an apology to Dane Cook. I hadn't really watched his comedy performances before now, and I must say, the guy is funny. Today while Comedy Central had a Ryan Reynolds/Dane Cook and guys that look like them Marathon on, I caught some of his comedy show. Pretty funny stuff. The one joke he had that really got me is the masturbation joke. If you didn't watch it .. I quote

"I was masturbating violently a couple of days ago. It was one of those rare ones where I thought I was going to turn into a fucking werewolf right in the middle of it. I'm pretty sure I was starting to grow a snout. I was sweating profusely, and mumbled to myself like Joker in Dark Knight. I had a Tommy gun in my right hand and I was firing at the moon. I was going bananas on myself. It was an odd experience because when I ejaculated I've never had so much come out. No, I was actually concerned. I had to turn my penis away from me. I heard myself go "WOOOO" like a runaway steed. I thought I was going to cum my own skeleton. I thought bones and organs were going to start flying out. When I was done I'd be inside out I'd be fucking the inside next to me. I can't really tell you in measurement how much came out. Normally I can fill out my belly button. Kennedy Half dollar size I like to say. I'm at a loss for words myself."

At this point I had to pause my DVR from laughing so hard. Because really? Sweating? He must be talking about Terrific Tuesdays. Something that is supposed to feel good but often times doesn't. Like sneezes that hurt, it's a waste of time and energy. Funniest jokes are the ones you can relate to though, right?

Keep your arms and legs inside the blog at all times,

Matt "M21" Stephen

Shining on

2009-04-22T18:00:00.001-04:00

Sweeter than when you had sex with you wife and used cheesecake as a sex-prop, I'm back. Angry as you can imagine at the foul differential in the Cavs last regular season game... 39-12. You know, the game where they would've had the home winning record, but played on starter for 7 out of 48 minutes? Yeah, that one. Perhaps I'm idiosyncratic, but whatever. That's a real word, if you were wondering. Speaking of words.. the word epic. It's ruined. It used to be the best word for describing something.. well.. epic. I was one of the original users of the word, playing epic quest games, knowing what the fucks up on the south-side. Sometimes, it's okay to use epic. Other times, people ruin the word. The problem with the word "epic" is it's short and easily picked up by stupid people.

I was talking to a buddy of mine the other day, when I beat her in an argument. Shes the type that doesn't lose a lot. So as you can imagine, shes having a panic attack. I immediately called her to see if she was still alive, because we were talking on AIM. I got no answer... Panicking myself now, I jumped into my blue Lambo (I'd be goddamned if my rims ain't too), and rushed over to her home. I found she didn't have a pulse. I did CPR, and successful saved her life. I felt like I saved her from a random home invader. My actions that day were as prestigious as Ron Pauls plan to stop pirating in Somalia. Shoutout to my "savee". Because something bad could've happened.

Quite a few posts since I linked the What's My Age Again Video, and nothing else to write about,

Matt "M21" Stephen.

Devil in my DNA

2009-04-12T02:29:00.003-04:00

Mmm. Easter Sunday. Time for us all to flock about, pretending a Bunny the hides eggs and gives out candy is at all related to the resurrection of Christ. It makes about as much sense as J. Jonah Jameson having a Hitler 'Stache in the new Spiderman cartoon. Because for those of us who know Spiderman, Jonah never had a Hitler 'stache, as shown in whatever the fuck he's shown in. So anyway, Easter. Yeah, that makes sense. Like when I ask our family to maybe.. give up a ridiculous outrageous tradition completely unrelated to a day celebrating their god? Yeah I get slammed (hehe) because I'm ruining the kids childhood by bringing it up. Right... I'm too lazy to organize an egg hunt, therefore I am a communist. Well, I suppose they must be right. The one thing I do know about Easter though? I had better get my fucking Dove Chocolate Eggs. As disgusting as that sounds, that is the best candy/chocolate the world has to offer.

Next I figured I'd discuss tattoos with you folks. I'm about ready to start inking up, so here's what I'll be Rep'n, ya know. The first tattoo could be coming in mid June. If the Cavs win a title I will get a C sword logo tattoo, with 08-09 on it. Every year they win it I will update the tattoo. Perhaps clear room for the Panthers next to it. Then, I want this on the back of my calf. For my alumni, ya know. My next tat? God inspired, of course. Something He has, either initials on the triceps, or a Lion head. I want one of the following song quotes on my back.
"Always something in this everchanging life."
"Kill this slowly fading light."
"I believe in angels, no, not the kind with wings, no, not the kind with halos, the kind that brings you home when home becomes a strange place."
"Fuck Armageddon, this is Hell."
"If there's a purpose for us all, it remains a secret to me."
"The past is just the future with the lights on."
or late to the game..
"We don't live, we just survive."
You can vote for one of those in the top right corner. I expect the winner to be the Rise Against "I believe in angels..." quote just because you all like me to be in a large amount of pain. And last, I want an arm band that is made of words. It will say, "English mother fucker, do you speak it?" Really, how much more badass can you get? Trick question, you can't.

I figured I'd go crazy with pop culture references today. Especially that of 80s cartoons. Because like Mumra, my heart is a flashlight. As you notice, Iron Mans chest is like some of those stupid fucking headlights cars have that look like brights, but aren't. Sure it's not the coolest Iron Man, but I probably only like that one because of his hooker boots. Anyway, this shoutout goes to a buddy of mine, S-Ra. Sorry if your actually reading this S-Ra, I don't mean to make you sound like a Godzilla villain, but S-Ra is too cool not to address you as.

Watching 80s cartoons being made into movies,

Matt "M21" Stephen

Obligatory Sports Blog

2009-04-10T18:20:00.002-04:00

I'm an interesting sports fan. Having all that Carolina blood in me, I'm a Panther and Hurricane fan. The rest of my teams are Ohio associated, because well, it was passed down to me. I love the Cavs and kind of sort of like the Indians. Why? Because it's baseball. There I was MLB opening day. I have almost no loyalty for even the Indians, but whatever, (it's only baseball). I check the scores, ready to be surprised- and I was. My Cleveland Stereotypes got their asses kicked harder than anticipated, and are now at 0-3. I don't really care about a having my team win a title in baseball though. You can tell because I was a Houston Astros fan as a kid, then quit following baseball entirely. I picked back up as an Indians fan, because hey, I'm already a Cavs fan, might as well make it two Cleveland teams. Houston made no sense for me, being the fattest city in America for like 8 out of the last 10 years anyway.

I have decided to make one of my life goals unreachable- watch all 4 of my favorite professional sports teams win a Title. I am expanding 4- to 5. That means two favorite baseball teams. The thing is I'm a hardcore sports fan- except when it comes to baseball. Between Mark Titus and my desire to be ridiculed by the world, I want to become a part time Cubs fan. That way I can NEVER see all my professional favorites win a title. Well why would you want that? The Cavs are going to take the Golden Penis this year, and the Panthers within the next 5. I've already seen the Carolina Hurricanes win the title, and they're gonna do it again this year. The Indians might suck, but the fucking Phillies won the title last year- so anything can happen. Point is, the Cubs will never win the World Series. I need something to live for, and making a life goal impossible I have that. The Cubs are just that safe of a bet. I'm now an Indians and part time Cubs fan. A stretch maybe, but not as much of a stretch as Pat Forde uses to insult Ohio State. That's why I hope Disney goes bankrupt.

Not that I care about baseball anyway. When you search MLB on google images it gives you a suggested search "Yankees". Not kidding, either. Anyway, the shoutout is well, what it is.

Nerding out on sports,

Matt "M21" Stephen

Give It Up

2009-04-06T12:11:00.001-04:00

Pick-up games of basketball. Everybody gets all pissed when I play point guard, because, I pass the ball and refuse to shoot unless I'm extremely well defended. They toss me the rock at the 3 point line more open than teenage girls for the Jonas Brothers- I pass up the shot, because well, all my J's are going to be unassisted and well contested as I step back and hit the fade away 3. And yes, I just compared myself to LeBron fucking James. Because if you're playing a pick-up game with me and I give more than 20% effort, you just witnessed the second-coming. Are you really going to get mad at me for passing on the shot? If I kept track of my own assists (one guy in the game always does) I'd easily have 35, probably have 7 points, shooting 3/4 from the field, including some ridiculous jumper over like 6 guys (even though legal team size is 5). And of course, the other 2 makes were drives to the lane just as impressive as this. You pass me the ball open, I'll get it back to you- because I already know how well I can shoot, I want to see how pathetic you are. I probably have 31 steals and plenty of fast break opportunities, but I pass the ball for ANOTHER FUCKING ASSIST, and go on with my day. I've been reading a bit too much of Gusalina, but whatever.

Myspace. Tell me, lord, why? Why do I even have an account? Ever notice most bulletins that exist on Myspace are boring, pointless, and only about 2 people understand their "hidden meaning"?
Title: I absolutely
Contents: Cannot wait for Sunday.
Title: Why
Contents: Does it always happen to me?
or..
Contents: Are you a skank?
And then the surveys. Oh god, I read some peoples surveys to help me sleep at night. Anybody else tired of the same answer?
Hows life?
I wouldn't want to bore you with that.
So why the fuck are you answering the survey? The point of a survey is to let everybody on the whole Myspace know what the fucks going on in your life. That's like going to a party to watch people drink, without any talking, or movement. Holy shit, why did you even take the survey? Myspace should be regulated, they let any old douchers on there. Personally I'm kind of tired of the people that answer every single question on the Profile section, including books, movies, television, and the whole lot. Especially when their answer is I don't watch TV/Read books/like movies. The worst part might be the grammar
Today,, I went , to the shop,, and it was cool.
Since when do you use 2 commas as a period? Since when do commas go in between a space and a space? That isn't even fucking considering the poor grammar and spelling. My last favorite part about Myspace though? Shirt-less pictures. I don't care if you were born with a 6 pack, I don't want to see you flex, it's really pathetic you sink to that level of douche.

Anyway though, if your wondering about the title of the post, it's because I figured I'd put my Zune (YES I HAVE A FUCKING ZUNE, NO APPLE BULLSHIT) on shuffle, and use the track as the title. It's Give It Up, By Pepper. Shoutout goes to nobody in particular, I suppose it's one of those "Just in case you haven't seen it yet you pathetic pop culture ignorant fuck." videos.

You stay classy San Diego,

Matt "M21, Fleece, Mr. Hollywood" Stephen

Yard Sale

2009-04-05T01:12:00.001-04:00

This weekend I had to help my mom with her yard-sale. I was a bit against this even though I knew I'd get a free trip to dinner on the town after it, because, well, you know the kind of people that go to yard-sales.. and.. ouch. These people remind me of those Geico commercials that suck. How fucking long did they stretch those cavemen commercials anyway? Wow.. So continuing on, you know the kind of people that go to yard sales, and you also know you don't like them. The phanny pack people. Pastey white legs, short denim shorts, straped down to Earth sandles, and a random shirt dated before 2004. Sounds like my first blog post ever... Hmm. Well, they're the kind of people you wouldn't trust with a jar of peanut butter. And I don't even use Jif for anything but my dog, "Mystery". For those that don't know what the fuck I'm talking about- read the last paragraph in the last blog, or if you're too lazy, just look at this. Or this. Anyway, you know if your running a yardsale you run into those "Customers" that think they're way smarter than you, and try to use something that makes no sense to prove their point. For example, we had a lamp that had been kind of wobbly at the base, and was not kidding, 25 cents. So a guy comes over to me and starts hounding me about the lamp and how it's wobbly. I told him to stick a washer in the base, and it'd be fine. He freaks out, basically acting like I should give it to him for free (hehe) or fix it for him. I tell him, dude, it's 25 cents, so stop bitching, or leave. This didn't go over well, and is pretty much why I hate yardsales. I did get dinner out of it though, so its not all bad.

At dinner, we sat near one of those people with an extremely loud annoying laugh. The obnoxious HAHAHA or the something similar, only with a snort. The same laugh that I mimic after a while, because honestly, I want them to either get pissed about me mimicing them, or get so upset about it they blow their brains out later that day. Such people aren't worthy of oxygen. Like this girl. Did she seriously carve her Satanist writing into a fucking door? Bitch do that on your skin! Nobody wants to have to pay to replace stuff cause your a dumbass! She probably doesn't understand that. Her understanding is more skewed than the common belief on what Thomas Jefferson really thought of religion, or if the lead singer of Coheed and Cambria is really a guy or not.

I'll leave you to ponder. My shoutout is too a friend who is.. well.. just watch the video, you'll get an idea of what she's about.

You stay classy San Diego,

Matt "M21, Fleece, Mr. Hollywood" Stephen

We'll All Float On

2009-04-04T00:54:00.000-04:00

The things that make me wonder- Gel Deodorant, products people complain about the price of even though they only have to buy it once ever ten years (like paint), and the lyrics to country music songs. These are the things that make me wonder. Mainly gel deodorant though. This is worse than the new Quizos advertisement. Creepy huh? Somethings aren't meant to be ripped off. Primarily things like, regular deodorant, and Cheez It's. Gel deodorant is such a hassle I cannot understand why you would want to be near it. It is nasty, sticky, wet stuff that I do not want on me, or especially my shirt. It doesn't smell better than regular deodorant, and is actually less effective. Who created this shit and why? It's one of those technologies (or songs) you wish was never invented.

As we discover new and exciting technologies, I find new favorite things to bother people with. My current high fliers are.. the new quote I use. "It looks like rain, Pooh.", from the best animated character ever. How could you go wrong with a little depressed retarded stuffed ass? I always say it with that retarded soft spoken but deep voiced accent. Like your typical New Yorker? What? Anyway, Eeyore is awesome, although this is probably his most famous quote, there are other classics such as..
"Hey Pooh, just been feeling emotion again, the only way I can anymore. Through this blade" and
"Hey Pooh, I just committed myself to a hospital for the mentally unstable, I might shove that 45 in my mouth any day now."
I love Eeyore. Then.. My other new golden statement:"This conversation would go better with dramatic sitcom music.." It's best when your using this tactic against somebody you don't know, and especially when they're talking about something clearly important to their life. You also have to add a quiet little tune of dum duh dee dum or such.

Speaking about things important to life.. I am breaking my addiction. My addiction to Xbox. Laugh, I would. I used to have a problem with my 360, playing almost daily. Now I have fixed that and am on day 16 of my Xbox-less streak. If your wondering how twitchy and antsy I have been, it's worse than Linsey Lohan in rehab. But I believe, and if you have faith and a little bit of acid, anythings possible. Did I just contradict myself? Yeah.. that's okay though. I'm not an easy dude to understand, after all, I want to name my next pet "Mystery" and everytime I go to the vet with "Mystery" I want to use my best gay accent and tone of voice. "Oh hey there, this is Mystery, my little crime solver. He's kinda like Scooby Doo, just more into licking peanut butter off my one eyed monster."

Because I care, I have a shoutout. It goes to another internet buddy of mine, whos screen name is always Franky***, even though his real name is John. I can't figure it either, but whatever. Fittingly gay-

You stay classy San Diego,

Matt "M21, Fleece, Mr. Hollywood" Stephen

Dramatic Untitled Post

2009-04-02T15:32:00.001-04:00

As we came to the month of April, I actually remembered to change my calendar. On time surprisingly. Because I mean really, who the hell remembers to do that? Calendars are almost more of a hassle than they are a device for planning, etc. This month, my Cleveland Cavaliers calendar presented me with the super star none other than Anderson Varajao. He's the one in the middle who you want to tell to wash his hair, but he refuses because... well.. just because. Like liquid bacon, he doesn't play by the rules. Playing by the rules.. The Jonas Brothers used to do it. The Jonas Brothers. About as cool as your moms quilting club. Honestly how stupid could they have been, they wasted however long on that purity scam? They could have had more ass than Duran Duran in their prime, and didn't take advantage of it until now. In fact, they were fucking abstinent. Make sense of that for me, will you? The only thing I can think of.. it was a scam, because they're jews, and money is much more important than ass ever will be. I already knew about their bitch ass purity scam, but what really pissed me off was when I read this. They liked blink 182.. but just the music.. none of the sex, humor, and antics (and good looks). I mean, for fucking real? Jeez.

I also heard the funniest things ever today. They were some of those news stories that just make you laugh, and brighten your day. As described to me, a man was hit by a car and died. The person who committed the hit and run left a note pinned to the mans dead body saying they were "Sorry for the crime". This just came across to me as.. epic. Who actually does that? I guess the same kind of person that would make news in the second story.. Basically an Australian pimp (your laughing already I bet) and his 16 year old girl friend paid one of his hoes, a 16 year old girl in guess.. chicken nuggets. The girl serviced 4 middle aged men in one night, and she wound up getting paid in chicken fucking nuggets. Epic.

Shoutout goes to the pimp.

You stay classy San Diego,

Matt "M21, Fleece, Mr. Hollywood" Stephen

April f'in Fools, Nanerpus

2009-04-01T00:00:00.000-04:00

April FOOLS LOL LOL LOL LOL! I hate April Fools day. I hate it. People always say dumbass shit that you know isn't true, because "it's funny". It's like a really bad prank. You already know whats coming, I mean wow, it's an entire day made out just to bullshit one another. I can't wait till one of the assholes that actually participates in it has.. I dunno.. their mom die.
"Jon* your mom died."
"Hahah, good one!"
"No, she really did."
That would make my year. Because well all know a "Jon". His loving (now dead, hahah) mother gave him the sweet name of Jonathan Edward Wilkerson, and he goes and abuses everyone. The co-worker nobody wants, essentially. As you can tell, my hate for April fools is caused by those who participate in it, because they're all the same. Like the time I was being told my stuff was being vandalized, to come up and look. So.. I didn't move, because it was April Fools day. And as you know, they kept trying. Dude, really, come look! Nah.. that's okay. Eventually after 26 tries they say "April Fools! GOT YOU! Too bad your no fun." If I'm no fun, how did you get me?

I hate those April Fools Douchers, and their tag line.

Oh Nanerpus... It's been a long couple of weeks. Being as bored as I have been, I've been influenced to start new games. As seen in recent blogs, some involve the English language. The sentence challenge game for example. The newest word is "summon", because it's cooler than "call", and it makes me sound like I play D&D. The best part about the sentence challege game, is well, Mr. Confucius informed me even if you use the word in a way that makes no sense people still think you kow what it means. Example:
"That santa hat really rhetoricalizes the fetish."
People say, oh, he must know what rhetorical means! You feel kind of accomplished. Just like that one game your really good at but nobody else has ever played? That kind of feeling. Maybe better.

I was not feeling as good the other day however. I said hey, I'm wearing a blink 182 shirt, it pays to do this while attempting to be humorous. I also wore white knee socks under my jeans. In an attempt to humor some friends of mine, I showed them. They were disgusted and basically freaked the fuck out... I didn't understand this. As you, my beloved dongles probably already know, I am a sarcastic, fairly amusing whether your laughing at me or with me person, and I did this only for my own laughs. Of course my motives always go unnoticed. My favorite example of my attention whoring for laughs was in a theme park. The pathetic state of Florida's own Busch Gardens. There I was with a few friends, waiting in line for Gwazi. As planned, I was to say "AND IT WAS ALL RED WHEN IT CAME OUT!" as loud as possible. Generally when someone hears a sentence like this or "MY DAD NEVER USED LUBE ON ME!" people turn around. God somehow silenced the world at the exact time I decided to say it, and literally everyone in the line turned and stared at me. Perhaps it makes you question things about me, but that's me for ya.

Shoutout goes to one of my long time friends (who happened to laugh at my socks). Fuck yo couch!

*- I don't know about you, but most Jons I know are assholes. Like half of them. Maybe because assholes are common, and John/Jon is the most common name, but regardless... You know a Jon who's an asshole, and he participates in April Fools day.

You stay classy San Diego,

Matt "M21, Fleece, Mr. Hollywood" Stephen

Flabbergast

2009-03-29T17:11:00.005-04:00

Last night I reached an all-time-low. I went to see the Haunting in Connecticut or whatever, knowing it would suck. After seeing it, I went to 5 fast food restaurants at midnight, finding them all closed. Being rejected by fast food is depressing. I only saw THIC (lol) to pick up a few inside jokes. At least I accomplished that, because zombies with Satanist writings carved into them is too damn funny. Well, when a horror movie pointlessly incorporates religion you have to laugh anyway right? All horror movie directors feel inclined to incorporate religion now, as if they're fucking Jehovah. I mean jeez, theres been like one good horror movie in the last 10 years. I probably would've liked to do something else, but when the only thing within 30 miles is a bowling alley and a 6 room movie theater, you make due. Being that there's nothing to do, I'm still watching the NCAA Tournament (naked in a beanbag chair eating Funyuns*2). I love the tournament, but this years is god awful boring*. Today I'm writing while UNC is on. I have to root for the Tar Heels because, well, Ohio States eliminated, they're from my home state, and their uniforms are amazing. Perhaps I'm biased. The only thing they could improve is making their white uniforms black and blue instead of white and blue. Perhaps I'm biased there too, though.

Anyway, as UNC starts to roll over Oklahoma I find myself bored. So in order to get over this, I decide to play my favorite game. The one where you hear a word and challenge yourself to use it in a sentence (whether it makes sense or not) in the near future. The last word was "Flabbergast." So.. quite simply
"Johnny felt weird when his mom walked in on him flabbergasting to a magazine."
After you've used it in a sentence, you can alterantively use it as often as possible, just for kicks and whips.

Yeah, say what you will, I don't care. Shoutout to my dealer. And if you were wondering about the asterisk, it will be listed below the shoutout info for now on. Most of you dongles probably didn't even notice though.

*- Like Church
*2- Funyuns inter-changable with Doritos, even though I don't like them.

Love some, hate most, peace always,

Matt "M21, Fleece, Mr. Hollywood" Stephen

Fuckin Dongles

2009-03-26T23:16:00.000-04:00

First, I've decided to name you readers of mine. You're officially called "dongles". You can take offense to it, I think its funnier that way. Anyway, I'm sitting here (what a surprise right?) watching the Duke/Nova game. This brings up a few questions. I'm sure you've played that game where you count the people in the disabled people motor scooters that are in them for no other reason than being fat? Or the one where you count the people with the mullets? Okay, well maybe the latter is a southern thing, but every fucking dongle reading this should've played the first one. I say this because I'm watching the NCAA Tournament and actually crowd watching. Christ, somebody tell Mike Krzyzewski how to coach an exciting fucking game. Yes that's how you spell his fucking last name, and you pronounce it Shuh-chef-ski. Not kidding.

I know, what a fucking asshole right? Seriously though, watching the NCAA Tourney- watching the Duke game and I'm about asleep watching these fuckers. Can we get some entertainment? Yeesh.

Sure it's cool to see 4 white guys more than 6'8 on the court at all times, but Duke is almost as frustrating as a movie that just destroys an entire trilogy. Probably chalk it up to directing. Directing like that of the over rated Steven Spielberg. Saving Private Ryan was good, but did you see the "4th Indian Jones"? It's on my top 2 "worst movies... ever." list. Generally your supposed to laugh at comedies, although, not like I'd know or anything. As I'm writing this you can bet a fucking cricket (I know what the fuck right) started walking across my living room rug, and you can bet I fucking smashed his ass into the ground, and did a fucking Ray Lewis Dance after I was done raping his pussy bitch ass. For those that know me, picture me skip-hopping across my living room like Ray did between those cheerleaders. And then standing over its dead body like I just "Boom Headshot"ed it's ass. Damn I'm hot shit.

I do this whenever I kill a bug. I think it's revenge for whenever I see a spider because they always seem to make me seem like a bitch. Until next time dongles,

Love some, hate most, peace always,

Matt "M21, Fleece, Mr. Hollywood" Stephen

Commercials

2009-03-24T02:38:00.000-04:00

Have you ever seen a sex cake? Why would anybody want one of these? It's half cannibalism to eat it, I mean if your picturing it as flesh and eating it as flesh.. *Shudder*. I know that pretty much ruined your day, so I'll make up for it. On a related topic, I noticed the other day how much I cared whether your commercial was good or not.. and I realized if it was not good I will NOT buy your product. High standards perhaps, but I hate annoying commercials. These companies with annoying commercials are probably distressed to find out they will not get my business. But they're not as distressed as I was when I realized making analogies isn't a career. See what I did there? Ah whatever.

Allow me to enlighten you on America. You will go nowhere in life till you understand that Wikipedia is the most useful tool the in world... and for you inventors... Understand the only way to be successful in this country is to make the lazy things lazier. I was outside of a local grocery store when I saw a DVD rental machine. Because clicking rent from Netflix was too damned hard, America made it easier. As much as I laugh at it, it really makes me glad America gave us this option instead of forcing shows nobody should have ever created into our living rooms. Before the times of Netflix and grocery store movie rental machines, I felt more owed than the winner of a puking contest with what was on TV. Glad I don't watch TV.

In loving memory of the cake we discussed...

Love some, hate most, peace always,

Matt "M21, Fleece, Mr. Hollywood" Stephen

County Fair

2009-03-21T15:08:00.000-04:00

If you read my last blog, you know how excited I was for the NCAA Tourney. Well, my Buckeyes lost a heart breaker in double OT, so most of that's gone now. I'm left rooting for the underdog. I missed half of the last Ohio State basketball game of the year because I'm stuck in Hell, Florida and what game you get is regional. You don't think it's hell? The most entertaining thing I had to do all weekend was the local fair. I usually am a ride guy, but I could die on the fair rides, so I passed. The runner up to rides? Fucking with carnies of course. You know carnies.. and you know the requirements to be a carny..
-40 year smoker
-Skin with the texture of a dead horse rotting for 4 days
-6 or less teeth, all green
-No Soul
So let me give you the basic run through of messing with a carny. You have to get real close to his or her (sometimes both, not including the surgery) booth and look interested in the prizes. Next you have to either stare at the carny ready to win, or actually engage in conversation with him. Finally you simply walk away, leaving the carny in tears of why his life sucks.. and then he sees his next possible costumer and forgets you even happened. You might feel bad, but hey, there's a reason why prostitute is a more prestigious title than carny.

I've decided it might be easier to shorten these up that way I can get a complete thought out without making it useless. I'll still do shoutouts, just only like half the time. The next one is to nobody in particular, just for those who haven't seen the video yet.

via videosift.com

Love some, hate most, peace always,

Matt "M21, Fleece, Mr. Hollywood" Stephen

Tourney Time

2009-03-16T19:24:00.000-04:00

If you were unaware, the NCAA Basketball Tournament (mens, don't get me started on womens basketball) is starting in a few weeks. I'm more excited than salad fingers falling into a meat grinder. Unfortunately with the coming of the College basketball tournament, the season of the hoodie leaves. I love hoodies, and I don't think there is one piece of clothing more comfortable. The first week out of a hoodie I feel as uncomfortable as I would if I went to a country concert... let's be honest, I only like one country song. And I live in the south. I don't know how I'm not suicidal either... I suppose it's revolutionary things like sports, music, irony, and random epic websites where I make great things happen though. One of the great things about sports is pregame shows. The best pregame show is College Gameday, and most of this is because they're on a college campus while filming, and we all know those are "fun". We all love college students and their crazy antics, especially when they involve signs. Look around, you'll find it.. then laugh.

Somebody has sent me 3 new music groups to listen to, and all 3 have been successful. I'm freaking out because the only person to give me more than one new band (meaning one I like but have never heard of) is my cousin, and he's given me like 400. Including the best. But really, everything, everything's magic. Also like magic, I now have multiple nicknames. This is cool cause I've been whining about my lack of nicknames for about 3 months now. Anyway, the newest one is "Fleece". This is simply explainable by the fact that if you read my last blog, you remember Fleece Johnson (mmmmm...). M21 is probably the one that makes the most sense, because it combines the first letter of my first name and my favorite number. The next and final nickname is "Mr. Hollywood". This was given to me because I avidly wear sunglasses and well, I do Hollywood stuff. I blow shit up, sex the bitches, you know. Well maybe I just added the whole last sentence, but it gives me confidence.

What brings you back to the old days? The days where we somehow ate bagel bites despite their to-this-day disgusting taste. Disgusting taste like that of knock off M&Ms. Really, you ever had that trail mix stuff with the knock off M&Ms? It infuriates me. Makes me almost as angry as when I found out I couldn't find M&Ms Mini's anymore. You remember, the cracked out version of those little chocolate bites. On a completely unrelated note, not much is more annoying than those kids who talk in movie theaters. Holy hell, shut up already. It's almost as bad as the 12 year olds who come in the theater to give each other head. I mean 12? Come on! The cool thing about movie theaters though? The design. I have decided to steal some movie theater thunder, I want some light up stairs at my house, even if it's not 2 stories, I'll find a way to have stairs. Lighted stairs are badass, and you know it. Just what I wanted!

Does anybody else have a body alarm clock? It seems to me that certain things happen to me at certain times of the day. I wake up at 7:19 AM if I'm not already up, I get tired at 3:09 PM, and I always get in bed at 1:16 AM. Not kidding, this happens every day and I wanted to ask if it's only me? Probably. My body freaks me out with weird things like that. Not nearly as freaked out as I was 2 nights ago, however. I hear scratching on my window at probably close to 2 AM. I freak out and look for the only weapon near me (or so I think). I check in my closet for my baseball bat.. it's not there. So here I am scrambling for a weapon in my closet dropping clothes everywhere. Preparing to kill what turns out to be.. a stray cat. To say the least, I felt out of place. I had the look of a murderer.. getting ready to kill.. a cat. I have a second situation in my life right now where I feel out of place. It's called California wants to legalize pot and I'm the only clean guy who agrees it's a good idea. I have felt this is a great idea ever since when I heard we'd be out of debt in 18 months if the whole country legalized weed. Is it worth the country's "morals"? You tell me. Maybe it's just the rush I get for arguing against the population. Kind of like how badass you feel when trying to reach something on a high store shelf, by climbing.

I've saved the final real paragraph for what else but porn story lines, because I'm very (rarely) creative. Lets begin.
Gay 1: Cafeteria worker has the day off but still wants his "salad tossed".
Lesbian 1: Woman works at candle shop. Need I say more?
Straight 1: Hot tub salesman..... you get it.

Anyway, shout out goes to Confucius again cause I ran out of people. Email me at Panthersfan226@aol.com for a shoutout, hopefully I remember to check there.

Love some, hate most, peace always,

Matt "M21, Fleece, Mr. Hollywood" Stephen

Big 'N Tasty

2009-03-09T14:55:00.000-04:00

I know your wondering about my obsession with Walmart. Well, it's this simple: until you've lived where I have, you won't realize this is the only entertainment. I would use my wild antics in any store, but Walmart is the best because we're in the south and it's almost a tradition. Walmart is fun at any time, like when stupid old people like to stop their carts in the middle of the way. Typically deal with the situation in a hardcore way, I run into the heels of the old bitch maneuvering and say either " Sorry Ma'am" or "Sorry bitch, next time you'll move.".. All depending on how many purple heart pins her husband has on his WWII hat. Some (old) people you just don't fuck with. I met one of these people (granted I don't know if he was old) in the Summer of '69. Okay, well, '08. Yeah, I know it's a year late, bite me. I was outside taking out the garbage at midnight, when I look down my street and see basically this. Some random ass guy in a hoodie standing upright, looking for blood. He was just there, standing. It took me 3-5 minutes to take the garbage out that night, and he was there the whole time. This being said, I was scared shit less. The time I was more afraid is when I was in an airport bathroom about 5 years ago. You think you know where this is going? Your right. I was taking a leak when I noticed the man next to me was avidly staring at my junk. His fixation was creeping me out so I asked, "What he was looking at". He replied, "You know what I'm looking at." with the creepiest smile/wink ever. Since then, I stand nearly inside of the wall john while doing my business. I live a tragic life, I know.

Recently, I went to a basic arcade/go-kart/mini golf places. The results were shocking. A good buddy of mine and I started the day at a slow pace, beginning in Mini Golf. I got my ass kicked, and I was pissed. Continuing on our adventure, we went to Go-Karts which pissed me off the absolute most (but we'll get to that later). Even before the first round, I called it much before it happened saying, "20 bucks says my car is the one that stalls out, sputters, and breaks." I was right. My luck doesn't cut me any breaks. A quarter through lap one, I was at a dead halt. This was in the ultimate douchebag Nascar go-kart. We pretty much remained go-kartin for the next hour or so. The next race I met my rival. If you understood this reference, high five. My rival was a kid, probably 14 years old, a little blond curly headed fuck. So as we were still feeling out the cars, we weren't sure which car to get. Turned out that the Ryan Newman car was the very best. I am fairly ashamed that I know these drivers, but when you live in the dirty south you eventually catch on. My rival was introduced to me via him passing me in the Ryan Newman dream machine and waving like a little faggot as he passed, because he apparently didn't know English. Not having the fastest car (this is bullshit, they should all go the same speed) I went to my backup plan. Block like an award winner. This was not quite as satisfying as what I wanted to do, but it held me off until I was able to get the fastest car in the next race, and salute the mother fucker as I passed him. Eventual score?
Me: 3
Little Douchebag: 1.

Stephen Hawking. You know you laughed too, so I don't want hear about how I'm going to hell. I mean the fact that he looks like a floating smiling corpse is too much for me not to burst out laughing. Do of course incorporate the fact that I do sometimes cut peoples faces off and wear them, and get deflated (Buzz kill, I know, right?) if I don't. So laughing at this might only be a "me" thing. Laughing at things others don't became a problem in my life this week. I had a situation present itself early this week where somebody was told "Go take it in the closet". I HAVE to laugh at that. Problem is, in a room with 20 others, nobody else did. I was looking at my golf score card from getting my ass whipped, and this made me laugh:
"Please allow "FASTER" groups to play through."
"Please wait until player is finished in hole before you start."
"Please keep your putter below waist level for safety."
I am messed up or what? The same thing happened when I found out McDonald's has a sandwich called the "Big 'N Tasty". I mean for real? Big N Tasty? Wow. That's frickin epic. And if you don't think that song is already epic, you should've seen my light-headedness over bleach this weekend. I sang that song, and it turned out rather well. I had a few revelations as I was completely fucked up on bleach. First, how do calculators work? Seriously. I'm thinking it's probably magic. They do math in half a second, no matter the problem.

I was offered a membership to a gym by a friend so he'd have company in there. I said no for a few reasons. I can't stand it when people have their iPods turned up so high, I cannot hear mine. Then when gross people sweat all over the equipment and don't wipe it down after their done. I really don't want your perspiration all over me. Next, why do people use this as a club? It's frustrating for me to try to focus when I see people who go in their strictly to hit on others. This is blasphemy, nobody should be that desperate. Plus I have a place to workout at home, and what American wants to leave their house (unless its for Mc-a-dees.)? Common sense says using effort is about as useful as Dr. Phil. AKA, not at all. One of the few things I've picked up on is the trying to make old sayings main stream again. Not the queer ones, just to the classics. Words/Phrases like "classic", "buzzkill", "just joshin" (Yeah, I know Crazy M), and of course, golden rants. See what I mean about classical?

Anyway, I apologize if you weren't mesmerized this time, I was rushed. My shoutout goes to easily stereotyped best friend who hasn't let me down yet. Well except once, where she completely forgot about having a shoutout video and made me come up with my own. Shoutouts, shes definitely not doing right.

Love some, hate most, peace always,

Matt "M21" Stephen

Lawn Flamingos > Gnomes

2009-03-04T12:56:00.000-05:00

Ever seen some random gadget you realize you want even though you have no use for it? Welcome to grapple hook. We've all wanted one of these bad mother fuckers since we were 5 playing Spy. I would get one for no reason other than to say, "Hey guys, look at my mother fucking grapple hook." I mean really, how many people in the world can pull one out (hehe) and say that (Bill Gates, shut up)? Honestly use-less gadgets go back so far into history I'd have to refer to the bible. Gas-masks are also one of those senseless things I'd want to have. Are they badass or what? The Nintendo Wii has a lot of useless gadgets, perverted Japaneese games don't fall under that category however. The most useless gadget though.. A segway helmet. I would say Segways in general are useless and laugh at America for being that damn lazy, but honestly I'd have one too if I could afford it. Seriously who needs a helmet on a Segway? Are you going to fucking fall off? If you do, you deserve whatever head injury occurs. For real, the things top out at 13 miles an hour, you should be able to take it. I believe the only moving machine that goes slower is the scooter with this guy on it. Although I must say, Wal-Mart scooters are badass. This brings me to my next story.

So there I was... in Wal-Mart. As many know, the evil empire (with upward inflection) has little power scooters for the disabled. As many also know, people wind up somehow leaving them in the middle of isles. On the day of my particular event, I was browsing Walmart with a buddy and came across not one, but two power scooters. Strike one. No employees around. Strike two. Potential to race because it was so late at night? Strike three. So it began. We raced down each isle gunnin' it at a top speed of 2.5. You can bet your gum worth picking up off a sweaty gym floor (Props, Ohio State Coach Thad Matta) that it was intense. Slamming into each other, and motorin all the way to what we thought was glory. We were of course removed from the store and suspended from it for 30 days, although I'm pretty sure they have no way of checking to see if I visit again during my suspension. Suspended like I should be from Halo. After raping (I be BuckeyeMafia), I should've been arrested. It was the good rape, the "she was 17 and a half but didn't tell anybody" kind, not the "Grandpa no!" kind.

Don't you hate it when your hands smell bad from whatever you were just eating? I'm not even going to make the obvious joke, because it's already out there. I was of course talking about peanut butter (the worst offender), and other substances that just stink when on your hands.. bad part..? They don't come off for hours. These hours of waiting make me want to play The Sims. The Sims.. that was some fun stuff. Course my family always died and left the neighbors in mourning, but that's besides the point.The Sims were the shit, much like the Thunder Cats. Lets be honest though, you know Mumra was your favorite character too. I just love it when I have a clear cut favorite character in a given series. Another clear cut favorite of mine? The Lawn Flamingo. Easily the worlds best lawn ornament. Yeah, fuck you, you creepy little fuck. You can bet my house in Gods country will be loaded to the bone with these bad mother fuckers.

I have recently discovered a new skill. I can sleep with my eyes open. I cannot believe I finally acquired the second best worldly skill, runner up to being a kiss ass. This is one of several revelations I came across today. I also found out Doug is made by an Ohio State alum. Doug is that great cartoon with the weird near bald cancer kid and all his sexual innuendo friends. Friends like Patty Mayonaise. The dikey bitch wearing polka dots. Really who the fuck wears polka dots? Principle Boner. Skeeter. Finding out an alum of my school made that, wow. It half made my day. The other half happened during the daily lunch break. Some random bitch I've never seen before (yes this Marks the return of old pics and stereotypes from past blogs) comes to join my buddies and I for lunch. Again, I have no idea who this bitch is. So she has the nerve to call out everyone at the table and tell them if she thinks they look gay or not. When asked her name she goes mute, acting as if she was 5 fucking years old. At this point, you can imagine I'm mildly annoyed, and quite frankly ready to beat her ass for being alive. And I could immediately tell her parents were the kind that A. Were stupid and shouldn't have had kids. Or B. Suck at breeding. Probably both, more of A. Then she walks away without saying another word. Bitch.

Anyway this brings me to my shout out. I decided to get more personal so maybe you can stalk these shout outs. This one goes out to my new buddy who's becoming one of the few people I appreciate in the world. She has more "that's what she said"s than The Office. So...

Love some, hate most, peace always,

Matt "M21" Stephen

Motivational Post(ers)

2009-02-28T16:42:00.000-05:00

You ever noticed that stores put Holiday shit up way to early? I really want to unleash the fury of Yoda when stores do that. I kid you not, it was before Halloween last year that stores had Christmas stuff up. One of the worst offenders is Easter, which nobody really celebrates in any way relevant to the days meaning. I find this about as pointless as the names on medicine. Names on medicine are far too long and cause constant pain nation-wide when looking for that one fucking pill bottle.
-"Did you find the Ceflophlexinsole?"
-"Yeah here it is, you said Sepocholoromide right?"
It's almost like playing Simon Says with Jack the Rapist. You really don't prove anything, and nobody wins.. not even he wins, because hey, that guy is going to prison now. Then again, he likes rape, so it can't be that bad on his end.

Basically I found myself stuck on this site which allows you to play god. It shows Nucular destruction in a given area with whatever weapon you want, ranging from the original nuclear bombs to.. a fuckin' meteor. After viewing this site, you'll ask yourself..
"Now that we know we can blow up Michigan, why the fuck didn't we do it yet?"
Perhaps my persistence of hating Michigan is getting old... Probably, but I have people for that shit. It's one of those moments where you laugh but feel really bad about it after words. Maybe the apocalypse makes you feel pathetic, because you just shit your pants. This can be said because you're not prepared. This is related to something that might surprise you, but really shouldn't by now.. my life goal. Curb stomping a zombie. Although you find this pointless, it's not. What is pointless is my uphill battle against eggs. There are days I realize most food is often times overrated. Try eggs for example. I can bet you if I'm going out to dinner or more logically breakfast, I won't be getting eggs. Also let it be noted when typing "Family dinner" into Google images, you get the Scientology fucks family. AKA Tom Cruise and his bitch. I assume this is a joke. Tom Cruise isn't even good for dancing.

As everyone reading this should know, I don't like people (or the way they dress). If you don't realize that, you're dense. The funny thing about people is they pretend to be so nice until it comes to winning. If your ass is what has to be taken down for them to win, your ass will be on the ground faster than this. This brings up compromising situations. If you've ever been caught in a compromising situation, you know it sucks. I am faced with this as we speak. I have written "You can't get me" on my notepad on things to mention in this blog. Reality really sucks. I have no idea what this could possibly mean, so I will guess. It's probably this. I realize this has absolutely no relevance to anything, but it's a good song right?

Don't be alarmed, there's more! Today I submitted a post to FML. Basically this site tells of other peoples lives and bad shit that actually happened to them. Today, then denied my request to post my event. It's like how stupid you feel after you just saw a viral video for the first time.. when it's been around for 3 years. You feel as if you were owned by life itself. I am unsure of how I still haven't committed suicide, but listening to happy songs probably isn't hurting.

I'll leave you on this note. My shoutout today goes to my second favorite stereotype, he's a good buddy of mine. Here you go Mr. Confucius!

Love some, hate most, peace always,

Matt "M21" Stephen

Whats not good on donuts?

2009-02-26T18:45:00.000-05:00

Isn't it funny how one word can make a difference in how you feel about something? For example.. Hardcore, and hardcore rapist. Perhaps this is obvious, and makes no sense why I would mention it. But then again, I could use a less extreme example- Dentist.. and Dog Dentist. Dentist is a word that is fear, and as you can imagine, dog dentist is a term that you would think of as cute, and maybe even delicious if you're Asian (or is that cats?). Regardless, you see my point. I bring this up because today, we pulled a prank on a person that everyone in the world hates. Perhaps the fact that I so I enjoy pranks, but rarely actually pull them makes you question my age. Then again, who really gives a fuck? See what I did there? Then again was a play on words. Eh, whatever, I thought it was clever. So anyway, here I am, asleep in the middle of the day, I wake up, and nearly gouge my eye out with the pen in my other hand, luckily, I did not. Even though that would've been badass. So back to the story, this guy everyone hates is distracted by the bossman. This gives ample opportunity for my comrades to slap a "Kick Me" type sign on his back... only the sign said "I like little boys". I have pics. The best part is nobody liked him enough to tell him it was on his back.

There's less than a plethora of things worse than getting songs stuck in your head. In the same token, I love sticking songs in peoples heads. As disgusting as that might have sounded, it's true. You can say you don't like to do sick shit to piss people off, but I'd tell you to get the fuck out you lying son of a bitch. Sometimes it pays to be more annoying than the small minority who hasn't seen Forrest Gump and doesn't understand your constant references to it. The best ways to be more annoying and useless than that gay porn coupon you have are pretty straight forward.. To demonstrate I will use bubble wrap. Not a whole lot satisfies more than bubble wrap... however when used like an asshole, it is the worst creation known to man. Really the only other example is Youtube comments. It's great to slam people over Youtube comments. For every good thing there is a dark side, and well.. it comes in the most irritating way. This time it's little kids, or adults who are too fucking stupid to know simple shit. That's why god gave us things that make me smile.

Americas Funniest Home Videos. For real? Rhetorical question. I do that a lot. Have you noticed this show is NOT funny? That's right I said it, Americas Funniest Home Videos and it's rip off are not funny. Couldn't tell you what's with the random ride pictures, but they sure do make more sense as a part of my blog than a show with a ninja wearing orange. I mean that makes less sense than the dream I had with the girl scouts coming up to my door singing a really terrible song. At that point in my dream I slammed the door and didn't really care, cause I got my fucking cookies and I was happy. Almost as happy as I was before Daddy took the T-Bird away. Not quite as exciting when I found out my ultimate sexual foursome is getting back together. Some of you might find Blink worse than getting hair in your throat, but you are idiots. Almost like those that picked The Backstreet Boys in what has been so far the biggest fight in 100 years. That being N-sync vs. TBB... Yeah, Cold War, World War 2, you don't have shit on Nsync.

Beating Nazi Germany reminds me of beating those who must not be named at Apples to Apples on Saturday. Luckily, they know who they are. And that is NOT milk in my cheerios! Also luckily, I found a porn font. 97% of the internet is porn from what I hear, I mean wow. That's a lot. I know you are all wondering how my hair down experiment went today, and it wasn't bad. I was called "gay" about 4 times, and that's really not bad. Not as bad as sprinkles anyway. Sprinkles.. Honestly.. why would you want a little pellet of sugar? I don't even know. On ice cream its fail.. donuts.. well whats not good on donuts? Sprinkles are colorful.. like Jelly Beans. Let it be known I hate Jelly Beans. Jelly Beans are almost as disgusting as when you work really hard to do something well and the person to receive your work blows it off. So after this happens to me today, I am just getting home. I walk up to my porch to get in, and I realize that's not where it's supposed to be. One of my ghetto ass plastic chairs is standing up straight in an azalea bush. Literally, on top of the bush. I also notice under the place mat on my porch, there is another place mat... Folded.. like a paper underneath it. I have no explanation for this. The other mat isn't even mine. Notice the crutches on the stairs next to the guy in that last picture. Yeah I don't know either.

Lastly I have my shoutout, which goes out to that creep who helped me create "LQTM" and "GLWT". He's a gangbanger.

Love some, hate most, peace always,

Matt "M21" Stephen

The WTF

2009-02-22T20:17:00.000-05:00

There I was, watching VH1's 246 hour countdown of Hard-rock songs. I don't know how I didn't expect to be disappointed, but I sure did fool myself. If you didn't guess, some overrated band that plays 8 minute songs when they in reality should be 2 minutes won. Yeah.. Guns N' Roses Welcome to the Jungle won. At this point, you can picture me screaming at the TV, as I did. The fact that I can hit randomize on a Metallica album and find a better hard rock song than that is sad. I don't even like Metallica. I find them a little overrated, but I can't really judge because they're not my cup of tea. Really the only thing worse than trying to justify Guns N' Roses is telling me Kiss doesn't suck ass. I'm not exactly wowed by these lyrics.

After this I let my dogs outside to go do their business. So upon their arrival back into the house, I snatch my Chihuahua from the ground. I notice he is covered in a thing sticky coat of wet. Naturally, I smell it. This happens to be urine. As I only have three dogs, two labs as well as the fore-mentioned Chihuahua, I am angry and looking for the culprit. As I highly doubt a neighbor would jump my fence, pee on my dog, and leave (although anything is possible if you believe and have acid), I figure it must be between the dogs. So I stare them down and wait for one to crack. Mind you these are animals and this doesn't work as well as it might've in my head. So I waited... I spied on these magnificent beasts... as it would turn out, the smaller of my two labs is peeing on a bush near the Chihuahua, when the Chihuahua runs under his stream. A three word phrase runs through my mind... that being WTF. The only things that surprised me more are the amount of youtube videos under weird searches, and that one time I had an experience with a ghost.

Next, I'll be predictable, the experience with the ghost. So I'm sure you've been scared shitless before? Okay, well, basically.. There I was.. sitting home alone with nothing but my pets, who were in the same room I was- I had just turned the TV off, when out of bumfuck nowhere, my computer chair from the other room starts rolling. Not a few inches, but across the whole damn room, a good 9 feet or so from where it started. I had either been pranked pretty damn well, or just had an experience with a ghost, either way, I could've done without it. When I say that, I really mean it. One thing I couldn't have done without? The orange mouth orgasm known as cream-sicles. A childhood without cream-sicles is one I don't want to have to go through. As the only person in the world who hates Sunny D, it really is my only alternative. I hate Sunny D almost as much as I hate dated t-shirts that make no sense.

Living the exciting life I do, I have already selected the highlight of my week. My birthday is this week. That isn't the highlight of my week. The highlight of my week is weird, but hey, it will be so exciting it'll sound that like Movie quote friend your mom has... you know.. the one that sits at home and watches EVERY SINGLE MOVIE to ever come on Comedy Central? The one that references movies nobody has ever heard of? Yeah, that fucking exciting. Mind you I traditionally wear a fauxhawk, so as all my fans begged, I have finally caved. I have been asked to wear my hair down for one day, and I will give them their wish. As people always do, I expect them to hate the change that they, themselves asked for. Comments I will receive:
"Wow that looks gay, why'd you even do that to your hair?"
"That better not be permanent, or this is the last time I'll talk to you."
These will be said from the people that asked me to wear my hair down. Do I mind? Nah, it'll finally shut them up. As is now, I kick more ass than the guy who's name everybody but me forgets. When I wear my hair down, I will kick less ass than that one bitch. That is okay though, because I love proving people wrong.

Unfortunately I have one more thing to mention. I found out my dad likes to wear those strapped down to earth because I might fly off into space sandals. This really irked me. I mean what the hell is he thinking? Regardless, this is the part where I ride off into the sunset and present to you my video shoutout. It goes out to an internet buddy of mine (I know creepy, right?) Meatloaf. Enjoy!

Love some, hate most, peace always,

Matt "M21" Stephen

Phigimously, very much so.

2009-02-18T16:56:00.001-05:00

Today I wanted to discuss the English language. This is due to the fact that I had one of those genuinely proud of myself for something I shouldn't be moments. That was when I pulled a President Bush--I made my own word. The word being Phigimously. I figured I'd mention when I type the word Phigimously, a suggested word that comes up is Pusillanimously- which I found amusing, because well, the word means cowardly. The English language is a funny thing. Like your mum. Making my word was the second best thing that happened all weekend, which makes me pretty pathetic. Notice I said second. The first? A website I will put on the right side bar for all of you to wander around and eventually get you fired or expelled, depend on your age. Not because of totally inappropriate content (though most isn't suitable), but for addiction.

I know you're all excited because this weekend was the start of.. you guessed it.. Nascar. I almost asked why we consider this a sport.. then I realized it has athletes involved. It also has a whole lot of physical demands, like a strong bladder, and ability to entertain yourself for several hours. Let it be known I am a HUGE sports fan -I am offended when I hear those with double chins are actual athletes in the flesh and blood. For the record, Nascar is not a sport. The only good thing about Nascar is it reminds me of roadtrips. Seriously. I like roadtrips, they scream mysterious, but yet wallow majestic. This extremely random sentence brings me back to my original thought, road trips.. and the many pranks included. Not much is more fulfilling than your average prank. They generally make me about as happy as one of those ADHD kids who just received a lollipop 4 times the size of their head. Pranks are great. People get so angered by things as simple as placing an official looking sign in their front yard that says "I am a registered sex offender". Come on now, chill out a bit huh? I understand different people find different things funny and I also realize I have lost half my audience on Youtube and the Onion. This however doesn't change the fact that all must learn to take a joke, as well as play with a microwave.

How about a random topic.. well.. I guess this will match the rest. New cartoons suck, do they not? Seriously, whatever happened to the good old days? Granted these cartoons aren't that old. And okay.. maybe I have some kind of unknown fetish for crime solving animals and little nerdy kids, but what's wrong that? Well.. Alright.. I don't blame you for not clicking that last link, but cartoons now-a-days suck dongle. And no, I will not take that back. I miss the true OG shit. The day they cancel Spongebob is the day angels deserve to die. This brings me to the day I got stuck watching Dragon Tales ( you know.. when you lose the remote and your too lazy to manually change the channel?) aww screw it, I won't even try to justify my life. So I'm watching this show, and I can't help myself feel extremely sad.. as if I'm watching a really fucking stupid episode of Maggie and the Beast. It was so pathetic I found myself wanting to listen to music of equal quality. Overall just a sad sad moment in my life.. most closely related to when you're watching a poorly funded local lawyers commercial.

Next topic? Yeah, fast food.. not just fast food.. and their "respective" mascots. Contrary to popular belief, Burger King sucks. This goes hand in hand with McDonalds... as you can see I have issues with mascots, especially ones that are too easily day-dreamed into violating you. Perhaps it's just me, but I avoid fearing for my life while eating. Another no-no for me, Wendy's. The bitch really couldn't look more like the girl from the Ring? That's not the only one that bothers me, how about people that try to ruin stereotypes. Could they have picked a whiter man for the most stereotypical black food? That's better. The only thing more fitting is drawing a Hitler stache on the $5 bill.. on Lincoln. But lets be honest.. is any felony more satisfying? Other than arson, I think not. On a positive note, some felonies, ... well.. they're not as cool as other. This man did not know that.

Time to bring this to the shoutout? I'd say so, and you have no say, so yeah. Last one went out to my cousin, this I forgot to mention. Todays shoutout goes out to a buddy of mine who didn't know Myspace's Tom had a last name. That should tell you enough about the kind of people I deal with... the video doesn't help their case. You made it through rant 2, you're on the brink of suicide.

Love some, hate most, peace always,

Matt "M21" Stephen

Welcoming, and Public Dress Codes

2009-02-15T02:45:00.000-05:00

I'm Matt. You'll find me the most interesting person, perhaps on the planet. I hate 80s music, people, and Michigan. I'm very opinionated, get used to it. Usually you'll find me writing to complain about something, that is what I'm doing now. First off, the way people dress irks me. One of the biggest offenders is the color yellow. Remind me when this became a good idea- or when it was something to be considered hot? I mean really, I can only think of one famous person who wore yellow as a trademark.. he probably wore yellow so you knew he sucked at life.

As things like couches prove, another style that bothers me? Vegetation. That is NOT beautiful, and the fact that it is most common among women over 63 should give a pretty clear indicator NOT to wear it. When typical stereotypes validate this, stay away. Plants are nice on the ground and should probably remain there. Clothing with plants as the feature are about as attractive as whatever the hell this is. Perhaps a little less style related is the matter of people buying clothes that fit. I mean whatever happened to "attractive people buy nice clothing that is tight, but not too tight" and fat disgusting people wear "literally bed sheets"? I understand attractive is a difficult word to tag people with, because way too many people think they're "attractive". Personally I think we should clear out an elected position in government that judges people who think they are "attractive". To wear clothing that is snug or fit you must submit a ballot with multiple pictures and identification to the elected official. Said official judges, makes their decision, and gives you the verdict.

Clothing has gotten me to a point where I feel, yes, we need a law on Public Dress Code. Maybe I'm an extremist.. Well okay.. I am. But are you comfortable seeing these sexies every time you leave your house? Didn't think so. Style kills me, it really does. I know people that actually dress like that, pants tucked into socks, because it's a gang thing and they're from the Miami area. They're not actually in a gang, and they've probably never even seen one. This makes them worse than Scene Kids. Scene kids might not bother you, or most people, but they piss me off, badly. I mean they almost ruined Sunglasses for me, and I freaking LOVE sunglasses. I mean shit, Kanye West wears them, it doesn't mean you can too. Sunglasses can turn anyone into The Fonz, which is ridiculous, it makes them what the Flat top haircut used to be, and what the Tattoo is turning into. The scene kids are transforming sunglasses into something gay, like your dads friend did to the Flat top. It's pathetic and honestly makes me want to cry and perhaps give up on humanity.

This brings me to my final topic. A brief overview on modern day parenting. Parents really suck now a days. I mean not all of it is their fault.. Modern schooling and out of school programs suck today as well. Did you know they stopped keeping score in some Little League Baseball leagues? .... Yeah way to teach the kid to be competitive and drive for what they want. What exactly is the child going to learn other than the rules of baseball? That leaves another birden on the parent who is already incapable and mostly retarded (this is based on national average). Kids are hard to control, no doubt, but STOP HAVING THEM and you won't have that issue. No doubt schools suck on sex education, as well as all other programs, but it is up to the parent to tell their kid it's not okay to drop out, become a crackhead, have 6 kids the state pays for, or inject heroin in between classes. I look at todays youth and kinda LQTM (laugh quietly to myself) because I know such action would be frowned upon by common people.

That wraps up rant no. 1, and on to my video shout out.

Love some, hate most, peace always,

Matt "M21" Stephen